gempa bumi

Dahulu di utara Jepang yang daerah Niigata occured gempa
bumi besar.
bahagian kami tidak rasa apa apa,tidak shake daerah yang tinggalkan
kami.
tapi gempa buminya tragedy sekali.kira kira 40orang dibunuh
dan orang banyak were injured.
kemarin berita yang besar kami sudah mendengar.

mobil yang buried in debris were finally detected and
caught the sign of human's hearbeat di sana.
Sebenanya 2 adik kecil dan ibunya missed setelah outbroken the
gempa bumi,dan mobilnya belonging ibunya.
orang orang rasanya mereka sudah meninggal tapi " catch the sign of
human existed"

saya juga berdoa..bahagian mereka pertama tama anak laki laki
dibantu..dia hidup! saya sudah tangis..Under the ground dan alive in there!

At last ibu dan adiknya sudah meninggal .pasti mereka berbahagia di heaven
dan mereka beri their life to anak laki laki..namanya Yuta.

kalau saya ibu Yuta,,pasti saya tidak regret,,kalau saya meninggal
Yuta hidup dan datang ke suaminya.
Ibunya willing to give her life to the baby.
Very natural to me..never forget to do it.

Fragile boat

One of my kids thrown up in last midnignt to around the
blanket.The bad smell pervaved the air and we had to clean up
immediately.baby was crying for sleepy and displeasure.
We also felt too bad to think anything else.
At last Baby has slept with harden with his hairs,we were exhassted.

These days my husband was very busy so came back to home
later than usual,moreover I suffers a kind of neurosis.

it seems as if we had taken the fragile boat in the sea.

we don't have idea where is our destination and should be first
because too bitter.
All we have to do is protect twins only.

my role?
As a kindly and charitable mother,I will try to keep the home from
every our commen enemies..

segregation

Last weekend I encounted the terrible mental shock about
child care difficulties.
I felt as if I sink the deepest bottom of the water,no sense about
every appetite.
Yes,I was a kind of mental depressed patient.

I must admit how hard that foster the twins by myself with
associated my all of desires.

Finally I was taken care of psychiatrist and prescribe for unti depress
and unti unrest.
Then I read a book which written by human love of mother and her child.
And I persuaded my husband to hire the helper
for twin's playmate and my adviser.

Now I feel more relax than before..probabry help of the medicine,
I found that my condition in the life.
Not in the normal situation but I am in the segregation from
real world.
I have no perfect freedom,no choice of my all of selections about life.
the most priolity is twins baby.
until when?
I'm sure at least I have to wait 2 years and 6 monthes.
then my twins will go to kindergarden and I will enter the junior
nursing school.

2years and a half year..maybe it would be a tiny among my long life.

I have to prior baby to everything ,then try to enter the new world.
it seems a bit difficult,but I never give up to bring up the
twins.

possible to control the anger?

I must admit that I'm easy to get angry only for my husband.
My surface is not so bad,maybe seems to acceptable.
but my inside of heart is too immature,very furious and sometimes
feel difficult to control it.
Generally woman tend to leave her emotion and intensely.
I think my anger 's degree is irredeemable..
while I was angry and speak out to him,another myself in heart
feel so sad and want to stop the negative tendency.

Now that my babies getting understand day by day,
why am I so unwise? can't learn from the past?
Should be take mental counceling?

one more baby..

Sometimes I am impatient to have one more baby though I have
two babies already.
Looking photos when twins were still newborn,it makes the desires fuel up.
but my husband don't agree to it and it seems more realistic.

First of all,I don't suit to be pregnant compared to general mothers.
I have miscarriged previous being pregnunt twins,and in terms of
my last pregnuncy I forced to hospitalized a long time.
and I had been caesarian operation.
It is unusual to healthy lady,actually I'm not delicate but a bit difficult to
continue that keeping baby in womb .
Although delivering is not illness,but should be more carefully.Every year
healthy wemen were carried off because of she was pregnant.

I can't die leave twins behind.

And also if we have one more baby,it means bringing economy life.
Actually it is unfavorable to us indeed.
We hope to give a education whatever twins request,and spend the satisfactory life about
hobbies and sophistication of us.
So probabry having two kids are enough.
I never give up such life and don't like saving life.I'm a bit mammonist..perhaps.

Neverhteless sometimes I hope to be pregnut if I have a chance.
what a ridiculous wish!
Having one more baby mignt be instinctive...

bitter experiences

when I was pregnant ,I had to hospitalized almost 3 and half months.
it was really disgusting memory of my life.
As I was diagnosed urgency of premature birth,I must sleep in the
bed with instilled for 24hours. While I was sleeping and doing my business
in the ladies room,the drip was never detached from me.
Onece a week,the drip was detached because of changing the needle.
it was terrible torrures to me,I cried so much but after a while it was
varied the reconciliation.
sometimes I feel it seems the process of making prisoner.
Gradually my veins getting the rejection to be inserted and begin
to leak the medicine.whenever it occured I was sufferd hellish pain
because of nurse will try to stick again and again.
the needle was thicker than normally,so even now I can see the many
scars in my both arms.

Actually the harder trouble was human relations in the room.
Since I was stayed in public hospital that my hospitalization was emergency,
so there were a lots unpleasant people surrounded by me.
It was inevitable.sometime I was crushed out,and imagine the outside of the
hospital.but I couldn't remember what was outside life was.
Was it truth that I was secretary? love to study foreign languages?
Am I just worthless pregnuncy lady,maybe...

when I was hospitalized 16 May,finally I could go out with healty twins
1st Sep.it seemed everything newly and a bit strange.
I was surprised the train exsisted in this world..at that time,obstetrics ward
was only exsisting in the world.

Maybe taking care of newborn twins were painful.but to me,it was easier than
my recently days..I could live with my husband,besides babies were both healthy and
cheerfully.
when baby was crying in the midnignt or feeding mother's milk so often by turn,
I rememberd the worst enviroments..

like this I could survive most tiredness for newborn baby's care.

inevitable

Reading books or reading something is to feed my soul.
I rarely read a novel but willingly to read and gather information
about concrened it.

when I was little,though my family wasn't so rich but
my father gave me books whatever I asked. and also I love to read
a newspapar for children.At the time of 10,I could read Asahi shinbun
every morning. there were still unknown and difficult words,but
whenever I saw it,my parents tougnt to me.

Anytime I love to read,and expence for it pretty much.
Luckily my husband likes to do that.
Reading and writting is inevitabe to my life.

ballet

when I was little,ballet was one of my longing.
I never forget to saw girls playing a ballet wearing beautiful
and colorful leotard.I asked for mother but she refused to be master
the piano at the bigininng.

When I was grown,maybe college student at that time
I made up my mind to try a ballet in this time.
then I joined the biginners class and danses there almost
two years.The reason of renunciation was to marry with husband
and it made me so busy.those days I was working and srudying Englsih harder.
but maybe another reason too..I was unsuitable to dance very well.

Recently I have read the topics even over her 40s,a lots women were
zealous to ballet..fubulously some women can dance wearing toe shoes.
I was so touched..someday I keen to wear toe shoes for dansing..
you know I'm so busy now at least I have to wait 5 years to participate
routinly ballet lesson.
until then I am going to do calisthenics in the home.

I love to have a future target and strive for it..

effective or ineffective ?

The other day I was offended a woman that I met in English conversation
class.though I will skip the detail of it,anyway it is the main reason that
I was retiring in there.
So I thougnt alternative one but now I'm doubt the efficasy of it.

it is the place that Japanese students and a foreign teacher
talk about various topics.
So someone were not pleasant..is it relevant to practical life?
Actually No.
In my practical life,I will use English with my closed friends or
stranger who meet in abroad.If they seems somehow unfavorable,
I'm sure I won't touch them.
therefore it's meanless that I will try to chat with unpleasant lady in English.
you know,I am so busy no time to share with the person that I dislike them.

If I have so much time..likewise want to kill time..it's okay to go English class
and share time with such lady.
I will stop to participate it and to express in English more often than ever...

special thanks to Angelachan

junior nurse

Before I have a twins, I was thinking to become junior nurse
seriously.why nurse?

there are many reasons to explain it that seems very foolhardy.
At that time I was working at good hotel as a secretary,before it
I was also excective secretary in femouse Jepanese company.
I love it very much,it can make my sense of superiority and
I like to help someon who is high grade in sociery.But at same time
ironically it needs younger and beauty lady.I have to make up neatly and
buy many seasonable outfits.I found that when I have a child,it means
no seats for me anymore.I was sure my position would be take over someone's
else,yes,more beauty and younger.
Though I know two her 40s secretaries ,but both were single and came
from very rich family.it seemd there were no alternative places to them in
their company.
I can learn from it after having a child,I must have been useless in there.

I want to help someone..

and also I reflected my major in university.yes,it was sociology
especially social welfare.

when I was young,still young ,I don't like to work for weak in the society
but strong
and powerful man.somehow it might be changing destination in my life.

So now I have a plan when my twins go to kindergarden,it takes three year later
I will enter junior nurse school and study there in two years.

I hope to look for new world as a nurse after babies are more growing.

what shold I do first?

I have a guts to study foreign languages and it compose
my identity firmly.
I beleive myself that can make sure everything suceed,though
it mignt be conceit ...
Now that my kids are growing day by day and need more time
and dedication from me.nevertheless I always having the target that
want to fill someday.actually it is really overwhelmed jobs.

If I wouldn't have a twin baby..I would have..

I know it's trifling fancy,not realistic at all.
I wish I could straggle with everything more seriously.

Babies come to me with inocent smiling.
I should stop that commited to study harder than stay with them.

twin baby is the most important in my life,I must put on it in my heart.